Former Chief Commissar, now Supreme Chief Commissar of Rotherham, Roger Stone, local Politburo chief and self styled ‘Dear Leader’ is said to be ‘basking in Labour’s local election results’ and is claiming to everyone who will listen that theirs was a ‘truly historic victory of monumental proportions and is a total vindication of his vision for the future’.
I am now able to bring you his leaked communication to the faithful citizens of Rotherham. Despite it’s contents being a State secret our ‘Dear Leader’ assures me he won’t have me sent to the Gulag this time, as secretly, he really wants you to know about his most magnificent recent electoral achievements and the Politburos selfless approach to public service.
Supreme Chief Commissar, Roger Stone, Rotherham’s ‘Dear Leader’. Basking in Victory, speaks to his people.
My People! (I like that one, I got it from the odious MacShane in ’97, thinking about it, haven’t seen much of him since then?) Your votes have proved once again that Labour in Rotherham is an invincible force at the ballot box and the old maxim that a donkey could get elected with the right colour rosette stuck on it, is as true today, as it ever was.
All our candidates won, except for the ones that didn’t that is, some voters even actually voted themselves in person this year, because of the General Election.
Our local government campaign was breathtaking in conception and has never been bettered, by doing almost no campaigning at all, we caught the voters off guard and surprised them at the last minute into voting for us.
I would like to congratulate the thousands of volunteers that responded to the call and delivered this masterful campaign of almost complete inaction. Hero of the Revolution second class, has been awarded to comrade Chester, who dreamed it all up, but of course I had already thought of it first as your ‘Dear Leader’ is infallible, just like our spiritual father and still overall leader, the ‘Great Leader’ Layden, who is running things behind the scenes although we don’t see much of him these days.
The counter-revolutionary capitalist Tories have been routed!
Long live the Revolution! Long live the Rotherham Soviet! Long live Comrade Supreme Chief Commissar, our ‘Dear Leader’ Roger Stone, Hero of the Revolution First Class and our ‘Great Leader’ Layden, now departed but still running things, Hero of the Revolution First, First Class. Rejoice! Rejoice! Rejoice!
I can assure you, ‘My People’, that all your Politburo members are unanimous in being prepared to continue enduring the endless functions, dinners and conferences and the beer, wine, spirits and numerous other alcoholic beverages that we have to drink, so you don’t have to. Our Rotherham Alcohol Treatment And Reduction Strategic Enterprise Development (RATARSED) Programme is working well, it is our commitment to you, that over a ten year plan period we will have reduced the harm done by alcohol in our communities because we will be drinking it ourselves instead. The ten year plan calls for the Politburo to be making it’s contribution by upping it’s alcohol consumption from 25% to 35% in five years and a full 50% in ten years of the towns overall consumption. A truly public spirited and selfless act by the Politburo, you will agree, don’t forget, I know where you live, all of you, so do as I say!
We are the most ‘public spirited’ of all the ‘Peoples Soviets’ of the North and reject the counter-revolutionary approach of ‘Cameron the Slash & Burn’ and his Liberal sycophant supporters of the reviled ‘Clegg the Turncoat’. They may be able to walk to work or travel second class but we can’t, largely down to the amount of selfless drinking we do on your behalf.
Before I close I want to reassure you that any ‘financial realignments’ (Cuts to you and me) will cause us much pain and anguish to us, as they will to you. I would again reassure you that the Politburo will not be sharing any of the pain you will have, if for no other reason than that given above, largely down to the amount of selfless drinking we do on your behalf.
Onwards and upwards comrades, man the bars (surely barricades?) let’s get on with ‘business as usual’.
Finally, I have a new maxim for you all, ‘No cuts, No redundancies celebrate re-alignment and leave it with me’! Sing it in the bath, I insist that all ‘My People’ shout this twice a day at the top of their voices………………
At this point I woke up and thoughts of North Korea combined with Rotherham disappeared as soon as they came.
First published May 2010, still has a lot of resonance today!