“Today, Friday, I and my trusty companion Mr Lewis, the finest hackler in the country; attended the Gala opening of the Rotherham Metropolitan Comedy Club. We, as uninvited attendees, had to be squeezed in amongst the invited friends and families of the comedians.
The festivities had started in the green room where all the comedians were presented with a red rose to symbolise their membership of the national Labour Party of Comedians. The number receiving the roses was some what depleted this year because ten new acts are appearing; they go by the name of “UKIP if you want to I’m staying awake to watch the show”.
The warm up act consisted of a man in a top hat and fancy dress. Mr Lewis and my self came to the conclusion that he must have been a mime artist because he didn’t speak, though what he was miming is a mute point.
So on with the show, the master of ceremonies came out in fancy dress to open the proceedings. That fine stand up comedian “Lakin about”, did a sketch about some one called “Karate Barry”. Who after much messing around in the dressing room morphed into the new master of ceremonies.
It would seem he has either a problem with speaking or reading; which ever it is it should make his handling of the job of master of ceremonies interesting. He tried his hand at stand up but failed miserably, so he told us a tall story about how; because of his new position he would help the children of Rotherham.
These children are hungry poorly housed and unloved and he will change that, how long has he been a Metropolitan Comedian? I have a feeling he lifted this sketch from a Dickens novel.
Then up popped Maggie Clark who seemed strangely dressed for the occasion, with what Mr Lewis assured me was a black widow spider in her hair. She had taken the stage to thank the assembled comedians for electing to put her in charge of vice.
After this scintillating show of repartee and fancy dress miming, the honoured guests, not us,were told they could go and get pissed in the bar and the comedians would join them later.
We then had the spectacle of some one who I was told was Stoned, which as things progressed must have been true. Because every time one of the Tory comedians asked a question this portly balding guy would leap from his seat crying “The answer will be put in writing”. It was slightly amusing for the first couple of times but after the fifth time it became inanely boring.
As I gazed over the assembled comedians my eyes were drawn to a lonely figure it was one half of the Dinnington Sister Act; she was alone her sister having been replaced with a kipper who she refused to have anything to with.
The highlight of this Gala opening was when it was announced that Shouter Beck had been put in a cabinet. I am sure you will remember Shouter from his days as the compare at the Anston comedy club; where he called the police to a disabled pensioner because he tried to ask a question.
Much to Mr Lewis’s chagrin it would seem Shouter Beck had escaped from the cabinet and he has been found to be the missing international link. Also at some point he is going to regenerate, we look forward with great anticipation to this new part of Shouter’s act. We can only hope that after this pathetic showing the Metropolitan Comedy club will improve.
I have a news flash or it could be just a flash, as we were leaving Mr Lewis had to answer a call of nature, as he was about to urinate a Labour comedian self combusted at the side of him he asked him to put out the flames but Mr Lewis declined.”